


Twenty Four.

by reidbyers



Series: Honeymoon Series. [12]
Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - 1950s, F/M, Reader-Insert
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-15
Updated: 2018-02-15
Packaged: 2019-03-19 01:12:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,232
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13693788
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/reidbyers/pseuds/reidbyers
Summary: Sleeping had always been something Spencer struggled with on and off, it was rare he went a full twenty four hours without it though. All he needed was a broken heart, lots of coffee and a shock to the system to make it through the day.





	Twenty Four.

**12:00 AM to 5:17 AM.**

Spencer couldn’t sleep, no matter how hard he clenched his eyes shut or cuddled himself closer to his cosy warm blankets, he just couldn’t will his head to stop spinning with thoughts about you. The most simple of things at first, like the different ways you laughed, a soft chuckle when you were around other people but a hearty, almost cackle when it was just the two of you. It felt like a forever had past since he had heard it, months ago he couldn’t imagine himself living without hearing it and now it was a faint echo, rattling around within his head. His mind wandered to less trivial places, thinking about how with you things felt electrified, like life but set on fire. It had been anything but easy and Spencer didn’t want to romanticise the excessive drama and hurt that had occurred, but he also couldn’t deny that things had also been incredible.

There are somethings that once they happen you know you are changed, perhaps you don’t feel it at that moment but the world is now different. Spencer would have never expected himself to fall for a fame seeking, self obsessed, firecracker of a woman whose life was nothing he wanted for himself but he couldn’t deny to himself that he had. While the moments you had spent together were splayed far apart and messy, not exactly the fairy tales portrayed on the big screen, they had been sickly sweet at times, Spencer couldn’t stop himself from craving that reality again. Even after arguing with you over how you couldn’t just continuously toy with his heart like a cat with a dead bird, even then.

He told himself that there were worst things to be keeping him up, he wasn’t dealing with the death of someone close to him or questions of morality, it instead was just his broken heart which in some ways was worse. If he were to go to his friends seeking advice for the former then at least he knew what they were going to say and their words would be of some solace but he could already guess the scattered responses if he were to go to his team and ask them what to do. They, like the rest of the world, were probably bored of the back and forth and frankly so was he. If he were to make a decision on what to do then it had to be final, he couldn’t fall for your desperate tone or puppy eyes if he decided to stay away; but if he decided to stay…

Spencer got up twenty minutes before five, a short nap was as much as his body seemed to want to give him and he didn’t see a reason to stay in bed if he could be doing other things. The world outside was quiet, even though he was not the only one who was struck by the desire to put his feet to good use and go for a walk. He left his pyjama bottoms a mess on his bedroom floor, slipping into some more appropriate trousers before his coat and shoes followed, he was out of the front door within a matter of minutes with no idea where he was heading. It was as though his feet had a mind of their own, the sound of them hitting the rickety wooden stairs as he made his way down only helped to bring him out of his sleepy dazy; give him something else to think about.

**5:17 AM to 6:00 AM.**

The rain from the night before had settled into many small puddles across the sidewalk, Spencer purposefully walked through them just so he could feel the cold water splash back against his ankles, to throw himself a rope to escape the well of his thoughts. He knew how he must have looked, this strange man walking around the streets of New York with his hands planted firmly in his pockets and a grumpy look on his face but he couldn’t find it within himself to change his demeanour. It was rare that he saw another person but if he did then it was an older man, either stumbling home drunk from the club to what Spencer assumed would be his wife worried sick or an older well dressed man on his way to work, probably unable to sleep like Spencer.

The thought of going to your apartment did come to his mind but he had no idea what he would do once he got there, he could barely gather his thoughts it was highly unlikely that he would form any sentences worth sharing. Besides, he knew what decision he would make if he saw you just awoken from sleep, hair either in pin curls or loose around your shoulders, dressed in whatever expensive silk pyjamas you’d decided on that night. If he didn’t fall to his knees and beg for forgiveness then it was a success and he’d regain some kind of dignity. It was less than pleasant weather to be walking around but Spencer continued, making sure to walk in an opposite direction to where your apartment was located.

Spencer kept walking, no idea where he was going but knowing it would be better than being trapped within his sheets. He knew of a breakfast place that opened at half six so he told himself that he was just waiting for it to open up, talking the extra long route. The thought of pancakes with maple syrup and a cup of coffee kept him going, even though he wasn’t all that hungry, it was easy to convince himself that he in fact was.

**6:30 AM to 8:00 AM**

A small bell rung as Spencer opened the door to the diner, he’d been stood outside for around ten minutes probably looking just as suspicious as he had been the rest of the morning. It was a round, pleasant looking woman who flipped the sign indicating the diner was now open and knocked on the glass when she noticed that Spencer was leaning against the wall with his eyes closed. She couldn’t imagine who needed breakfast that desperately to be waiting outside for it but she didn’t question it much, he’d be paying so for all she cared he could wait out there all night. It was still reasonably cold inside but at least there was no rain so Spencer decided that was a bonus and followed the woman who lead him to his booth.

“Must be real hungry to be out here at this hour, what can I get you, sweetheart?” Her voice was actually pretty cheery considering the time, as it went on though and more and more people came in she would become tired and her tone shift more monotone. Spencer glanced down at her name tag before looking back to her face and meekly ordered the food he’d convinced himself he was craving. Helen quickly scribbled down his order before walking back to the counter where the freshly brewed coffee jug sat, Spencer waited until she had poured his coffee and walked away again before he poured his sugar in as he wasn’t in the mood to be judged for his sugar intake.

Spencer ate his pancakes in silence, the only sound being whoever was cooking in the back walking around and then the radio perched on the counter, he hadn’t been paying attention to what song was playing but when the lyrics finally did hit him it was as though his body had been dunked into freezing water, it was one of the songs you had played him the first time he visited your apartment. At the time he hadn’t paid much attention to the lyrics, too busy focusing on you and the sophisticated aura you at that time were putting on and then trying not to trip over his own feet when you invited him to dance. He wasn’t a believer in fate or strict reasonings for things but he couldn’t stop himself from being amazed at how perfectly the song you had picked out all those months ago now felt so perfect for the current situation.  

_Well a hard headed woman, a soft hearted man, been the cause of trouble ever since the world began.  
Oh yeah, ever since the world began, a hard headed woman been a thorn in the side of man._

“Say, have I seen you around here before?” Spencer jumped a little at the sound of someone’s voice, he looked over his shoulder and followed Helen as she walked to his booth and refiled his coffee mug for him. With his incredible memory Spencer rarely forgets a face even if they had met only for the briefest of times so he knew then that they had not met before, he smiled politely once she had finished pouring the steaming coffee and shook his head. Still, she looked at him with thin, furrowed eyebrows as she tried to work out where she had seen his face. A pretty boy like him, she didn’t just see men like him all the time. It soon hit her and she let out a noise of realisation, it made Spencer’s stomach tighten. “The newspapers, you were with that one in the newspapers. Whatever happened to you two, she was a beauty.”

“It didn’t work out.” Spencer replied in the hopes that it would be enough, that this stranger wouldn’t try and go into the details of his life. He wondered how you could ever crave the lifestyle that brought on curiosity like this, it felt unnatural to want to know such mundane details about a stranger’s life and feel the right to gain information. Instead of trying to get anything more out of him, Helen just nodded her head and patted him on the shoulder as she walked past him to another man who had just walked into the diner.

“Does it ever?”

**8:00 AM to 12:30 PM.**

After stopping back at his apartment to get changed into some more appropriate clothes, Spencer made his way to work all while running purely on coffee and no sleep. He hadn’t taken a moment to look in a mirror but who needed one when you had Penelope Garcia who gasped and made a motion as though she were clutching her pearls when she caught sight of him. Before she could ask any questions Spencer told her that he was okay, just tired which wasn’t a lie. He made his way over to his tiny desk piled high with books and collapsed down into his chair, letting his bag fall with him. There was something strange about wishing for a case in their line of work but he gave himself a break just for today and hoped that something would happen that would allow him to apply his brain.

“Rough night?” Emily asked as she went to her own desk, delicately carrying a precariously full mug of coffee to her desk. Spencer managed a small chuckle and leant back in his seat, laying his hands on his thighs despite their itching need to fiddle with something. Emily was someone he trusted deeply, he knew things about her the world probably wouldn’t be all that pleased to know about and while he didn’t have any secrets like that, she always kept her promise that what was said between friends was strictly kept between said friends.

“You could say that.” Spencer sighed and scooted his chair closer to his desk, it had taken a while and progress was still slow but the public was slowly starting to realise that maybe there were some merits behind the work done at the BAU and that was comforting in a sense. He loved the work he did, wanted to make a difference somehow and that was exactly what he felt as though he had done. To be fair though, Spencer also knew that he hadn’t contributed to the cause as much as other people, too busy galavanting around beaches and motel rooms while the rest of his team worked. Before Emily could ask him what had gone wrong, Hotch came in and told the team that they’d be staying in the office for the day and finishing case reports since officials wanted to know that their money was going towards a worthy cause.

The office space they had wasn’t very big at all, it fit the small team they had and a desk for each but that was about each, the conference room was down the hall and often was being used by other people who were considered more important. For whatever reason though, Spencer didn’t hate that they weren’t in some huge, expansive office been waited on hand and foot. The idea of living a small life did not scare him, having only the basic necessities was not something that he ever longed to move on from, he was okay working in that tiny office with the people who had the same hopes as he did and it was enough.

They worked quietly until lunch time hit, the only sounds around was the scribbling of pens against paper and the occasional brief conversation about something to do with the reports, Spencer found the atmosphere peaceful and having the company of others around him even if they weren’t actively interacting helped to distract his brain from the choice gnawing away at him, like mice chewing at old wiring. He felt useful, better than just laying in bed tossing and turning and wasting the day away or walking around in the pouring rain which had now halted. Spencer had become so caught up with his work that it was only JJ patting him on the shoulder that brought him back to reality, not the conversation they’d been having as to where they’d go for lunch. He followed after JJ and Emily as he so often did, desperately trying to keep up with whatever it was they were chatting about.

**12:30 PM to 1:25 PM**

“You’ve got to start having breakfast, it’s not healthy to wait until lunch to eat.” JJ explained with concern in her voice to Emily who was sat opposite her, Spencer couldn’t help but smile at the tone of her voice, thinking about how good of a mother she would be one day. Instead of getting involved in the conversation he paid far more attention to his coffee, stirring his spoon slower than he had to. Emily said a quick thank you to the waitress serving her before looking through her lashes across at JJ, somewhat of a smirk playing on her lips.

“Why are you worrying about me when Reid’s sat next to you with dark circles darker than usual?” Emily said with a smile and at the sound of his name Spencer looked up, being the centre of attention had never been something he was that keen on and he was enjoying not having to think about himself, both women sensed this and neither continued the conversation, instead shifting it to one about what they were going to do at the weekend.

Both Spencer and JJ’s food came soon after and everyone choose to devour their meals rather than speak about trivial things, Spencer wasn’t that hungry in the first place but in the hopes that it would draw the women off the scent of something being wrong. He found himself listening in on other people’s conversations around them, mundane things like paying bills and picking up their kids from school, yet another song playing on the radio that made him think of you.

_Just give me another chance for our romance, come on and tell me that one day you’ll return.  
Cause, every day that you’ve been gone away, you know my heart does nothing but burn._

Music had never been something Spencer spent much thought on, if he did listen to it then it was the classics, songs that didn’t need lyrics to tell a story but after you he’d found himself finally listening to the stories people were trying to tell. He’d never found it strange that he lived in a city so bustling with rhythm and beat and yet he’d never found the strength to stop and listen, songs about love and heartbreak, compromising and letting go had never appealed to him because that just wasn’t the type of life he lived. Now though, now he was starting to take in the metaphors and longing in these people’s voice and understood.

After finishing their meals and chatting idly over their hot beverages for a short while longer, the three paid and started to make their way back to work. The streets were damp with the rain from the morning, busy with the rest of the world leaving their lunch break and trying to make their way back to work in time. Little did they know what would be waiting for them when they got back to the office, a murder case the BAU had been asked to come and work alongside NYPD to help find the suspect.

**1:25 PM to 3:00 PM.**

“Christ.” The officer knelt beside the body slowly rose back up and straightened his back, walking away down the alley as Spencer and Hotch walked up towards it. Seeing a corpse like this, all bloody and with the life of whatever person they once were drained out of them, it was nothing new and yet today Spencer found himself cringing at the sight, his hands balling up into gentle fists either side of his body. The victim was young, must have been in his early twenties which was young in the grand scheme of what his life could have been, his wallet was laying next to him with all of the contents stripped away apart from a photograph of a woman; meaning he probably had a lover out there waiting for her man to come home.

“Looks like a robbery gone wrong.” Hotch thought aloud as he studied the body, out of everyone on the team he was the best at putting his emotions to the side when it benefitted the case and ever since he’d gotten Spencer involved with the team he had believed that he was another good at putting his own feelings aside. Today though he could see that something was stopping Spencer from working the best he could, he was looking down at the body with something he couldn’t recognise in his eyes, it wasn’t sorrow or pity, something else entirely.

Hotch was about to ask Spencer what was on his mind but before he could a horrific screech stole his attention, both their heads turned to look back up the alley to where the police had stopped a woman from running down the alley. She looked frantic, tears streaming down her pink cheeks as she screamed out the name of a man who would never hear her. An appropriate reaction, that was all Spencer could think about as JJ and Morgan removed her gently from the arms of the officer and slowly walked her away from the scene. At some point on the job everyone had placed themselves in the shoes of either the victim or those who survived them, it was an awful thing to do and yet Spencer stood there and imagined what he would have done if the love of his life, the person he’d chosen to spend his life with met their demise in some alleyway by the hands of greed.

A shiver ran down his back and he cuddled closer to his coat and turned back to look at the body, his eyes dropping down to his hand where his wedding ring sat snugly on his finger. This wasn’t even the most gruesome scene he’d had to study, didn’t even come close but something within his head just wanted him to bawl, to apologise to this man who he didn’t even know existed for not doing anything to help. It wasn’t helpful and it certainly wasn’t like Spencer at all but that was just how he felt as of lately, not himself, he refused to believe that it was just his cracked heart making him sad because if it was - did he really have what it took to deal with cases like this?

Hotch then instructed him to go talk to the victim’s assumed spouse, he could see clear as day that Spencer was in no shape to be profiling the body and while he wouldn’t say it out loud, he just wanted what was best for him. He watched as Spencer walked back down the alley, running his hand through his mass of messy curls before he disappeared around the corner. There were both pros and cons to being surrounded with people who studied behaviour for a living, it didn’t take a genius to work out what was wrong with him and it just made Hotch sigh and shake his head. What could he do to help a man with a broken heart, sometimes the best thing to do was let the pain settle and learn to deal with the weight but Hotch knew Spencer was not the kind to just make a decision without analysing every possible solution.

**3:00 PM to 9:50 PM.**

“You know you can talk to me, right?” Spencer looked up from his report to Emily who was hovering over his desk, he was the first one back at his desk when they arrived back at their office partly because he worried his shaky legs would leave him looking like a newborn dear but more importantly, he was exhausted. His body not only felt like it was simultaneously shutting down and trying to start up again like a broken car but his brain was tired, the rattling around of bones from all the skeletons he carried around with him had given him a headache and what he was really craving was the warmth of his bed.

“Yeah.” Spencer replied simply and gave his best attempt at a smile, he hoped that would be enough to allow him to go back to his report in peace but Emily was not so easily thrown off the scent. She lingered for long enough to make Spencer look back up at her, no words were exchanged but in that moment he knew that she was aware of everything going on in his head. She was good like that, you didn’t have to go talk to her about things because in the end she would always know the demons in your head on a first name basis. She smiled once more at him before continuing her trek out of the office, wondering to herself how long Spencer would try and convince everyone that he was alright before he just shattered.

He worked until he was the last in the office, it wasn’t a particularly busy one at that but everyone who did work there made sure to look his way before they left, taking note of how his head was still buried in paperwork that could definitely wait a few days before being filled out. Eventually though he had to leave, unless he wanted to be locked in so with shaky yet tired hands Spencer grabbed a handful of paperwork and shoved it into his bag, slung his bag over his shoulder after quickly putting his coat on and was marched out of the building by the man who’d told him to hurry it up and leave. It was dark outside which was only to be expected, he shrugged his coat closer to him before starting the trek home.

**10:35 PM to 12:00 AM**

Considering how long he’d been awake it even felt like a surprise to Spencer that he was still standing, it was by no means a world record or anything but everything felt like shit. His head pounded, his bones ached and the second he fell back against his closed door it was as though everything that made him stand so tall turned to jelly. His stomach growled to be fed but he didn’t have the energy to feed it, an awful cycle he’d found himself caught in. Still, he couldn’t stay leant against the door for the whole night. After letting out a heavy sigh, Spencer pulled himself up and away from the door and begun to strip his coat and shoes off, realising then just how cold his apartment was.

By the time Spencer managed to stuff his stomach with whatever bland food he had in his fridge and get into bed without a second thought, he was practically shivering. Somewhere along the way he’d managed to get into his pyjamas but it wasn’t like he wanted to, pure habit just kicked in and like a robot he got changed without thinking about it himself. As soon as his head hit the pillow it was as though a gunshot went off within his mind, thoughts of how much warmer the bed would be with another person in it drifted through his mind like smoke, gunpowder in the air.

Yeah, it would be nice. But he was alone, and that was what he had to be.


End file.
